I know you as Mum, but who do other people know you as?
Marg D’Arcy: I guess, a political activist is one of the things, because of my involvement in the Labor Party and Grandmothers Against Detention of Refugee Children, and a whole lot of other things as well. Others might know me for the work I have done around family violence, particularly at Centre Against Sexual Assault (CASA) House http://www.casahouse.com.au/. People would also know me as a feminist and an activist, maybe a ukulele player! A grandmother, and perhaps lately a gardener!
Beci Orpin: My earliest memory of you was when I was turning two. I have a memory of being at the beach – we lived up around Cairns and Cape Tribulation when I was young.
My other memory… (this might sound traumatic, but I don’t think it actually is) is of moving out of the house when you were getting divorced. I was three and I remember waiting outside the house in Caulfield for the truck. But I don’t remember feeling scared, just that it was a big change.
What was your first memory of me like?
Marg: It was quite interesting, I actually had an infection when you were born, which meant they only let me hold you briefly and then they took you away and I didn’t get to see you for at least 12 hours. It was terrible, awful, I really hated it. Then they finally bought you back in and allowed you to stay in the room, that’s a really strong one.
Beci: I didn’t know that. No wonder I’m so messed up! Wow, well, both of our first memories a quite traumatic!
Marg: [laughs] Indeed. I would describe our relationship as changeable, like changing over the years, but fairly relaxed and open. Do you think that’s right?
Beci: Yes. I was a terrible, awful teenager, a real pain in the butt. Now I am going through that with my own children – karma’s a bitch! I feel like once I moved out of home I saw you as this person who could give me advice and be a role model; I became more aware of all the great things you have done.
Once I had a child, it changed it again; you realise all the things that your mother went through and see her in a whole different light.
Do you think there is any truth to the idea that ‘messy/rebellious kids grow into the most brilliant creatives’?
Beci: … I think it’s worth adding that any mother is going to think their child is a brilliant something!
Marg: Yes, I agree with both of those points.
Beci: I remember you having a discussion with me, saying to me, ‘You are being revolting now, but I know once you grow up you will be really good’. I still think about that, because I knew I was being foul, but that it was ok, because mum said, ‘I’m going to be fine’!
Marg: [laughs] Isn’t that interesting, I don’t remember saying that. But I can remember having discussions with others and even they thought you were being revolting, commenting on how difficult you were (to me, not to them). I remember saying, ‘I would much rather you be rebellious to me, because that meant you weren’t afraid of me’. That whole thing of knowing that you could get angry with me was important. And also, about messiness, it’s kind of part of the same thing; if you’re scared, you’re going to keep everything organised and tight, internalised.
Beci: I remember you saying that to me too. That although I was annoying, it made you feel good that I feel secure enough and safe.
Messiness is also a very normal teenage thing. Your brain actually isn’t organised… this is like a therapy session! But I’m going to continue.
What do you think is the most challenging part of being a mother?
Marg: I think being tired really! Especially when you were little I was so tired. But that changes as your children get older.
Beci: With Tyke now 15, I feel like I’m going back to that because I’m waiting up for him! Back to being tired!
Marg: I think the other really challenging thing is you are constantly questioning yourself. ‘Am I doing the right thing?’
Beci: ‘Am I messing them up for life?’
Marg: The challenge is learning to let that go, and just be yourself and do what you think is right.
Beci: It’s such a weird thing being a parent. You are in it. There’s no time, there is no breathing space to think about stuff… That’s why grandmothers are so great!
Marg: In my day, it was one of those things you didn’t even think about. You got married, you had kids; I had you when I was 23. I would have liked to have just stopped for a few minutes more often, just to think and appreciate things along the way.